"The Halls of Terror"

On today's episode, Kojak investigates a series of strangulations at a city hospital where the psych ward patients are allowed to wander the hospital freely and sleep in beds that are situated in the same rooms as those of seemingly-parentless little kids awaiting surgery. Because he's such terrific guy, Kojak allows one such little boy (Christopher) a shoulder ride. Christopher proceeds to don Kojak's hat and tap on his gleaming pate with what appears to be a pretzel stick. Kojak of course reacts by bequeathing the unruly child a lollipop. Kojak's disciplinarian skills are historically lacking when it comes to children so it is perhaps a blessing that he is married to his work.

Detectives Rizzo, Crocker, Stravos, and Saperstein go undercover as hospital orderlies, though Fatso is left to play the role of a janitor for comic value. Oh, Kojak! How you love to make Stravos miserable! How we love to revel in his mistreatment!

One of the mental patients, Ralph Donner, is sharing a hospital room with Christopher. It is implied that Ralph was in a car accident which was likely the fault of his drunk, overbearing mother, and that he has physical and psychological damage from the incident. Oh yeah--he also does macramé, which you'd think would be a bit more suspect since the murderer strangles people with hemp yarn. Either this guy is the killer or some hippie was really pissed off about the lack of fair trade coffee in the waiting room.

After Kojak warns everyone working at the hospital that the killer is someone within the hospital, a doctor (Dr. Fine) thinks nothing of walking into a mysteriously pitch black office and a nurse (Monica Grady) goes to a dark stairwell for some exercise. Both escape the attacker without being murdered and the killer proceeds to leave angry, disjointed messages with Dr. Page, who is also referred to as "the lady shrink." Kojak and Dr. Page flirt over some glasses of scotch in the doctor's office (exactly where one wants to see a bottle of scotch--the doctor's office) and Kojak lets loose with his typical array of charms.

The team eventually realizes that all of the victims were part of Ralph Donner's surgical team and that Dr. Larson is the only person not yet attacked. They rush to the hospital whilst blatantly ignoring traffic lanes, even though there are no cars in the way. At the hospital, they find Ralph Donner attacking Dr. Larson and Ralph is caught and subdued with medication.

Dr. Fine asks Dr. Page out but remembers to ask Kojak's permission, as if Kojak had first dibs. Kojak approves of their date and they go off. Stravos inquires of Kojak, "Lieutenant, that's a fine lady. You just gonna let her go?"

Kojak wisely replies, "You can't win 'em all...and maybe sometimes you shouldn't. Story of my life, baby."

"Baby" count: 1
"Fatso" count: 0
Number of Women Kojak Hits On: 2

My episode rating: D+

Honestly, I wish this wasn't the first episode listed on this webpage. It was deficient in every element that makes "Kojak" such an entertaining television show. We knew who the killer was nearly immediately, the killer didn't even kill a second time during the episode, and there were multiple holes in the exposition and resolution. I mean, when the "Baby" count is 1, you know something is awry.